14.03.2019
14:14
Who I am without you:
I am courageous and kind. Lazy. Emotional. Curious. Conscious. I’m ascending.
I’m healing. I’m healed.
I am soft and firm. Tender and unbreakable. Passionate and innocent. Knowing and asking.
Creative. Open. Blessed and grateful. I am loving and caring, and I am not afraid.
I know who I am, who I was and who I want to be.
I am now. And that’s all I need to know.
14.03.2023
14:24
I feel like a total failure right now. Having failed myself, you, all my loved ones, humanity, all there is.
Maybe I can’t be who I need to be, for myself, you, my loved ones, humanity, all there is.
I tried. I could have tried harder.
I thought, I’ve outdone myself, again and again, just to find myself again here, feeling like a total failure.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I want to give up. Knowing quite well that giving up is not an option.
I just want this to end, or to finally begin, I’m not sure if it’s either or.
I feel lost. I do not care about finding a path.
I’ll just sit down, right here, in the mud, in the fog. Crying until all tears are out. Breathing. Being. Not giving a fck.
I wanted world peace, heaven on earth, not just for myself, but for all there is.
I don’t know if we’ll make it. I don’t know if that’s what’s meant to be.
There were moments I was fully sure about this. No doubt.
I’m not doubting right now, I just don’t want to care anymore.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense, I’m just writing it all down, as that’s what’s soothing me right now.
I don’t care if what I’m saying is right or wrong. It just wants to be said. No holding back.
I’m tired. And exhausted.
It feels like I’ve been steering a ship through a storm all by myself, without even knowing what to do. Running over a minefield with the most important message in my pocket, somehow having to make it to the other side, while bombs are falling left and right. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed it. I was shit-scared and totally stressed but also feeling so empowered and so alive. I just thought the storm will end eventually, I’ll reach land, will make it to the other side alive. And yet, I’m still on this boot in the middle of the storm, still running over this minefield. And I need a break. That’s why I’ll just sit down, letting go of the steering wheel, not caring about the mines. I don’t care if someone else will take over, deliver the message. I just need a break. I need to breathe. Calm down. Ground. Relax. Rest. I can’t continue like this anymore, it’s too much. I don’t want to steer a ship through a storm anymore, I don’t want to run over minefields. If that means that all goes to shit, then so be it. I can’t continue like this anymore. I need a break. I’m so fcking exhausted. And that’s okay. I’m present with it. Loving myself through it. Gosh, I wish you were here right now. For real.